I dreamed about being a doctor
I knew this is what I wanted to do since I was in grade school. So like you, I worked hard in school- I sacrificed and kept my head in the books, I put things on hold to get there. The pursuit was challenging and exciting. Once the M.D. was achieved, residency and 2 fellowship followed. Now, I had become a Child/Adolescent, Forensic, and Adult Psychiatrist. I thought that becoming an attending would be so magical, I would be more in charge of my time and be able to make some of my own rules.
ONLY to find, becoming an attending didn’t mean any of these things. It actually meant more responsibility. Don't get me wrong, I love the work that I do with my patients, fellows, residents and students, but I always felt as if I was chasing something. Meanwhile, I had my first child during fellowship, then 2 more followed as an attending.
I then started to realize- I was still not feeling accomplished enough. I felt as if I was not moving fast enough up the achievement ladder at work and I definitely was not the rock star mom I saw others being all over social media. The fear of being "found out" that I was not feeling as accomplished and well put together as everyone thought. Then THE GUILT started…. Guilty for having to sacrifice either time with my kids/family or time away from work and patients….
It was not like I had dreamed...
I started to look around at work. Did I want admin, academics, a masters in medical management? What's next? All the while I was working to see my patients, working to make the world better, focused on teaching the next generation of physicians, only to feel as if upper level admin just didn’t get it. They kept asking for more and more, while they gave/understood my needs less and less- it seemed as if they didn’t care about me or my patients. What’s going?? Then COVID hit… it got even worse. Not only did my work demand more of me, but my kids needed more from me as well. And honestly, as much as I love my kids and teaching, I found myself not enjoying teaching my kids at home while trying to work. I was in survival mode and again, I felt guilty for not giving my patients or my kids my best.
Until I found coaching, which changed my life. It made such an impact on my work and home life that I became a certified life coach in order to help others.
I know it can help you too.
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